Life can only get better

My mama never told me.... That life can only get better after it has completely gone to the toilet. Since my last blog, life moved forward. Friends have been lost, grieved, and missed. Things became normal again, I guess. If you call working to forget, making everyone else happy so that no one will notice that you aren't...normal. So, I visited a new PA who suggested I try a few medicinal products to help me get through my rough patch. Turns out, I will greatly need those products in the years to come. Last month my brother, who is only 3 years older than I am, had a massive hemmoraghic storke. It left him partially paralyzed on his left side. My parents happened to be in the middle of the ocean on a cruise when the stroke occurred. I was all alone, or at least I felt alone. I had to make life changing decisions for my brother and the weight of the world felt to great for me to bear. On his 3rd day in ICU, my parents finally arrived home. By this point, I had pretty much lost my damn mind. My meds were not working and my socially inappropriate outburst were getting on my families nerves. So, I went back to my PA who upped my meds to help me get through what she thought was shock. About a week after the increase, I began to feel emtions again. I had not been able to really cry or laugh since the third day of my brother's hospital stay. I spent most of my free time with my family at the hospital. My brother is divorced and not in a relationship. None of us wanted him to be alone. After about 20 days in the hospital and many complications later, my brother finally moved to the Rehab wing of the hosptial. We were then told that after intensive therapy there, he would still need 1-2 months of rehab at home before he could do things on his own. So, I resigned from my job to take care of my brother. Every day seems more and more like a summer vacation. Although, we walk outside instead of running. We do most of the same things that we did when we were young...we throw balls in the house, we complain that mom never has anything good to eat, we make fun of eachother, and we laugh... A LOT! Life CAN only get better...if you let it. I can't drown my sorrows. I have to look up and remember that my time here is limited and if meds keep me going so that I can see the best part of life, then fill my Rx!!!

Super Woman

Mama never said that I may not be able to fulfill my aspiration to be Super Woman. I turned in my stay-at-home mom badge for a working mom badge and found out that Suzy has a lot of trouble making her home when she is at work. I will never be Super Woman.

At what point did women decide that the "best" thing for our families was to contribute to the bank account instead of the family account?

I took pride in the accomplishments of family. I liked checking backpacks, working on homework projects, being a room mom, making sure the house was clean, having the laundry done, and cooking for my family.

I know it eases the financial burden from my husbands back now that I am working, but I secretly wish that I was still at home. I had it all together then. Now my world seems to be caotic. I have found that over the past six months I have spent more time whining and trying to catch up on sleep than enjoying what matters most. Is it possible to have it all and be content?

I read a blog the other night and realized how content I was with what little we had. I am more stressed now than I have ever been and it is because I lost focus of that contentment. What do we really need to survive?

God, love, water, food, shelter, and clothes.

I think the world has tricked us into thinking that the only way to be happy is to have things. I think the people who have the most things are the least content people in the world. I see them
every day on TV, we idolize their lives from afar. We don't see all of the despair in their lives until something tragic happens to them. We are tricked into believing that what they have will make us happy. As a exceptional blogger said, "happiness is fleeting", being content will cause you to find inner peace.

I am going to focus on finding that inner peace and be content with all of the wonderful blessings that God has given me. I am so fortunate to have all of the people in my life that he has lent to me. I know that they are worth more than any paycheck. I think that instead of wishing I had it all I will be content with what I have...I am pretty super because of God's blessings.

Reality Bites

My mama never told me that getting back to reality bites.

I went on vacation with my husband for the first time in our almost 11 year marriage. We , well I, had a fabulous time. Travis got sick and did not get to do much. We met 3 other couples, so I had people to go to the beach with. I do not think that I have ever felt so relaxed in my entire life. I was meant to live near the water. It has the most calming effect on me. I plan to go to the ocean as often as we can. I will take our children next time.

As I was riding on the plane home, I had mixed emotions. I wanted to see the kids so badly, but wanted the comfort of the waves. I wish I could have had both together...it would have been as close to perfect as you can get.

I knew this feeling of euphoria would disappear and the dread of reality would come creeping back in. I wanted to hide. I know the world did not stop turning because I was not at home. I have a classroom to get ready, school clothes and supplies to get, a babysitter to get ready for a child who has never been to daycare, and a husband to prepare for not having his wife at home every day.

I know the tension of life will way heavy on my shoulders and all I can say about it is reality really can bite.

I See a Small Ray of Sunlight

After every winter comes spring.

My momma never told me that each time that the world turns dark the sun will shine again.

I along with my small community buried my friend on Wednesday. He would have loved his celebration. I have given up my grief to God and can see the sun beginning to shine.

All my love CDK see you when my time comes:)

Saying Goodbye

At this very moment, my friend is dying. His cancer has taken him captive.

My momma never told me that losing a friend would be so hard.

I guess in my own childish way, I thought that all of the people that I love would live forever. My adult brain knows that this is not possible, and my heart breaks.

I got down on my knees this morning and asked God to send him an angel...his mother. I know that for a long time he has not smiled with his whole heart, he will when she comes to take him home. I pray that he is at peace, that he is right with God, that he no longer suffers, that his mother comes to take him home, and that his family finds strength through our Savior Jesus Christ to make it through this time.

I will keep him tucked away in in heart for all of the time that I am left here on earth. He was a part of my beginning and middle...I will take him with me to the end.

Twitterpated

My mother never told me that being twitterpated would be one of the most rewarding and most challenging parts of my life...

I have been twitterpated for 12 plus years. I look at my husband with such adoration. He is (next to our children) the best thing that has happened to me. Having said this, he can push my buttons.

We have known each other since the first grade. We lived 2 miles from each other. My older brother hung out with his older brother. My younger brother and his younger sister are good friends. Our parents are good friends. We went to the movies as friends during high school. He even took me fishing. I never saw him for who he was until he was no longer "my" go to guy. He started dating a girl two grades below us and I was sick. I mean literally. I could not figure out why I was feeling so bad. Then a mutual friend of ours gently mentioned that he thought that I really wished that the girl he was dating was me. That was it...I was totally and irrevocably twitterpated.

I saw him in a way that only a girl in love could. He was perfect. And when the honeymoon was over I realized that he was only almost perfect. He never picks up his clothes, he leaves empty bottles in the fridge, he expects me to run the house and organize the kids. He has a problem communicating with me and the rest of the general public, and he is not at all romantic. He keeps all of the things that are bothering him inside and when he just can't take it anymore, he blows like a volcano.

I am no peach. I complain about all of the things that I swear he never does. I nag him to talk to me. I point out that I try and he doesn't. I am a real winner...right. God only knows why he stays with me. I have decided to sincerely try to talk less about what he doesn't do and more about what he does do. So, here I go...

He is amazing. He is extremely attractive. He gives the best hugs and softest kisses. He worked hard so that I could stay at home with each of our children while they were babies. He saves and buys me all of the frivolous items that I mention that I might want. He takes me to chick flicks so that I will cozy up to him. He brings me my favorite take-out when I don't feel like cooking. He dotes on me when I am sick. He helps my parents and brothers with all of their DIY projects. He plays like a child with the kids. His laugh is infectious. He is a closet comedian. He is a fabulous cook. He can clean a house spotless if he has to. He can fix anything that is broken with the right tools. He loves his family with all his heart. He made me a better person by knowing and loving him.

I think when you love someone, you have to overlook some of the qualities about that person that just plain tick you off. If you let those things consume your thoughts, you will surely fall out of love with that person. I am in no danger of that. I love that man with every atom in my body. I am surely twitterpated!

We never really grow up

Today I realized that we never really grow up. I will always be a child in some form or fashion. I still want all of the comforts of home. How silly is that? I am grown with children of my own, but still want to crawl onto my daddy's lap or be circled in a hug by my mom when I cry.

Life is full of challenge and change. We grow up because we are supposed to, not because we want to. Who really wants all of the responsibility of adulthood? I know there are perks to being older, but what would you do if you were given the opportunity to be a six year old kid for one more day?

I would take it. I would run through the field in the tall grass beside our house, I would eat PB&J and get it all over my face. I would drink from the water hose. I would ride bikes until the sun went down. I would chase after my older brother and hold my little brother's hand. I would visit my great-grandmother and great-grandfather and sing songs with them while we ate cookies and raisins. I would sing at the top of my lungs in the bathub, wear whatever clothes made since to me at the time, pick wild flowers for my mom, and play baseball with all of the kids in town unitl I couldn't anymore. I would leave all of the worring to someone else.

My mother never told me that one day I would look in my children's eyes and long to be as carefree as they are. She never said that I would lose some of the childlike qualities that bring goodness into the world.

Some of you may think that this post is selfish, but I know that what I need to do is to let the little girl in me shine. My children and the rest of the world will be a better place if I just eat PB&J and get it all over my face, run through the field holding my kids hands, ride bikes with my husband until the sun goes down, drink from the water hose, sing as loud as I can, wear whatever clothes make since to me, pick wildflowers with my daughter, and play baseball with my boys until I can't anymore. I will still worry, but I will worry about the things that really matter.